


Monochromatic Pink

by Lord_Amias



Category: Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, One Shot, Stalking, Suffering, based off ch 29, i love nostalgia but ouch, not really comfort?? just an apology in a way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 04:10:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18003578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Amias/pseuds/Lord_Amias
Summary: Ritsu has had a rough life and now blames himself for it all.





	Monochromatic Pink

**Author's Note:**

> wowie a sekaiichi fic  
> I didn't edit this at all tbh but dnjdnjds i really love ritsu but come on,, i feel so bad for this guy. sorry this is super angsty but i had fun writing

Pain is a feeling many know well. A bitter taste, a tight throat. Sometimes even a light stomach ache. All irritating but never enough to complain, like getting a drink you didn’t ask for in a restaurant that wasn’t exactly what you ordered but wasn’t a big deal.

Ritsu knew the feeling all too well, especially due to the bitter days of school he was forced to go through.

There were 2 types of pain he had extreme difficulty of differentiating: Jealousy and loneliness.

Of course, he had nothing to truly complain about. He’s a little rich kid with a fancy house, parents who gave him everything he asked for, friends, everything. What was there to be sad over?

He was privileged, maybe even spoiled. Yet somehow, despite the fact he had everything, he had nothing. The mother he was once close to turned into a different person. She had always been kind, holding him tight to her chest when he cried.

She was practically a safety blanket for him. Always being excited to see him when he came home from school, making him breakfast and kissing him on the cheek before he went out. The perfect mother.

His fondest memory of her was when he had gotten his report card delivered to their home. Upon opening it, he was immediately praised with a hug and a “Good job” in the honey sweet voice she had put on. She was proud of him and had held him tight. It was one of the best feelings in the world for him.

The love was that lily white world that had healed him.

She had prepared a meal for just the two of them. Ritsu had eagerly told her about his school day, his classmates, the cat he saw wandering the streets, and whatever he could think of. As he spoke, that kind woman would smile and nod.

When it was finally time for bed, he slept with a smile. He understood that he had to work hard for his mom as well as his dad. Though his father was often absent, it didn’t mean much. He still had his happiness right in that home. Like it’s always been.

The hard truth had to come eventually however. The more money his family had gotten, the worse his relationship had gotten with his parents.

The once supportive and loving woman grew much more distant. She had always greeted him as soon as he had returned home from school but now, all she did was side eye him. The maids were the only ones to wave before hurrying him to go to his room. His father still absent.

It was slowly turning gray.

Though he was only a young teen, he still had some sense of freedom. He had always taken pride of having free time when his mother let his friend, An, come over to see him. She was always such a joy to have around. She loved to sit next to him as they spoke of whatever came to mind.

She had clung to him and he loved her. She was the best friend he could ask for and the fact his mother allowed for such an angel to come into his life was a miracle. It was perfect...until he was called into his father’s study one late night.

The only reason why An was in his life was for her to be his future wife. That dear friend was nothing but someone being forced to be his lover in the future. She was so kind, so sweet...But there was nothing there.

The longer he stayed in that house, the more he noticed what was off. Now his beloved mother did not speak to him at all, immediately sending him off to his room. Along with homework, he now had come to the realization he had to take extra responsibility of being “mature” to suit his father’s standards.

He was to be the heir to the company his father had owned. That’s the only reason he was in this world.

It hurt. That stinging feeling wouldn’t go away.

Seeing that once loving woman side eye him before telling him that he had to work on himself and to prepare for his future as an Onodera felt tiring.  

What happened to that perfect life? Where on earth had it gone? Why was it all suddenly crumbling?

Did he just not deserve it anymore?

Why was it so grey?

He could recall a time where he had been forced into a party for his father. He couldn’t care less what it was about. That day was an absolute nightmare.

At 4 AM, he was shoved awake by his maids, forcing him to get out of bed. He was sleepy, only having only a few hours of sleep due to homework issues that costed him sleep.

He had to prepare everything for his father and mother. Everyone had been telling him it was his big day and to be obedient. From what he could hear, his dad had planned to show him off to his guests.

From what Ritsu could assume, it was to brag that he had a son who he thought wanted to take over their publishing company.

Yeah. Bullshit.

That love and admiration for this home faded. There was no way in hell that he was going to take over _that_ of all things.

Especially if it was for the sake of the man who didn’t even want to bother with him.

 

There is very little fragments that could be remembered from that day. All Ritsu could remember was being screamed at and dragged to his room by the kind woman he so dearly loved. Her make up was running, the black mascara clinging to her cheeks. Her ears were a bright red, finally tired of him.

Of course, he was _still_ happy. He still had fun and had friends at school to talk to when he was bored. That had also eventually turned into a bad thing.

It was just like any other day of middle school. Class had been taking a break as he sat at his desk, glancing off into the distance. It was like any other school day as the sky had a sea green tint, the clouds hiding the sun.

A couple of his classmates gathered near his desk, not facing him but still in close enough proximity that he could hear them.

One person asked what they wanted to do in their free period. Ritsu had spoken to these people a few times, he was decently familiar with them. He listened, interested in what they spoke of.

Another person had pulled their phone out, showing their texts to the group. They laughed. Another pulled on the other’s sleeve, smiling and said she wanted to leave the classroom. The first one to speak nodded.

Ritsu suddenly felt the lump in his throat emerge. He did not understand why. Everything just went...blank. His mouth was dry and his neck ached.

Seconds and minutes went by almost instantly. He snapped back into reality as soon as he heard the sounds of chairs squeaking and the door to the class opening and closing.

Now the small area in the front of the class was empty. The room was still somewhat full yet that now empty spot seemed to pierce his brain. Commotion littered the room still.

It was still packed, everyone in their own little areas. It was all a sparkling white world for them yet...the sight alone turned it into a dingy, hideous grey. The book in hand felt ten times heavier. The clouds outside had grew a shade darker.

He couldn’t stand this.

 

That day, he had been fed up and made his way out of that class. He didn’t even understand his own feelings.

Why was he so upset? It’s not like he couldn’t just join in. It’s not like he didn’t know them at all. It’s not like he’d die if he just went up to them. It’s not like there was literally anything stopping him.

It was so simple. Why does he feel so shit over it? It’s his own fault.

...Yet it hurt. It hurt so badly but...nothing even happened. Why was it so painful? It wasn’t the end of the world.

He was happy, wasn’t he? Then why did he feel so isolated and forgotten?

 

Did he just stop mattering? What was the point of thinking that if he had full control? He thought to himself as he walked, every foot step seeming to be sinking like his heart. He had always been difficult to understand as he was told by many. He never thought he’d end up confusing himself.

He needed to think.

The library was a safety zone for him. He cracked the door open, taking in the soft atmosphere. Rarely anyone was ever here, which was a good thing on his part. The windows let the light in, it’s yellow yet white tint allowing the little particles to appear and fade every second. The whole area outside of that bright area was lit dimly.

Ritsu took a few quiet steps, breathing deeply. The peace and quiet was his biggest comfort. As he took in the sight of it all, the tension melted off his shoulders.

He shut his eyes, then opened them. It was a time to cool down, take a break before heading back to class. The tightness in his throat, chest, and stomach let down.

He was okay.

Everything was just fine.

Nothing was wrong.

Checking the clock, he had noticed he had some time before heading back to class. Perhaps he could pick up another book to read and linger for awhile. Reading had always brought a sense of joy.

Yeah he disliked the idea of being the head of a publishing company but his soft spot for literature had been there since he was 5.

He made his way towards the shelves in the back, examining each one. Just a few dictionaries, encyclopedias, thesauruses, and other educational material. Not what he was looking for.

Then he went to the next shelf. Then the one after that.

He had been a fan of classics as well as some of the more morbid types. He was always open to reading manga and whatever else there was but they never exactly excited him. As he looked at each section, he could suddenly hear the faint sound of footsteps.

Ritsu’s eyebrows lifted, a bit startled. Was there someone else here? Did they see him come in? Or did they come in after he did?

It was completely quiet before but now, he listened closely as he wandered. He kept his eyes moving from shelf to shelf, searching for whatever caught his interest. He felt his heart race a bit as he heard the steps suddenly pause, then continue moving.

_Agh...I really wish no one was here right now…_ He bit his lip, slouching just a tad bit as he made it towards the next section.

He looked left and right, examining the options near him. Nothing exactly caught his eye until he peered up.

A novel written by his favorite author was at a high shelf. He didn’t recognize the title, but it peaked his interest immediately.

He scurried over, looking up. Definitely was a bit too high for him and he wasn’t exactly the tallest either. The step stool was behind the librarian’s desk but going over there just to get one book and then having to put it back was just too much. Only option left was to try to reach up and hope it could just fall into his hand.

He stood on his tippy toes, stretching his arm upwards. He stumbled a bit, getting off balance. Once he regained his stance, he stood up high once again.

This time, he had much more luck. Well, way more than he had asked for.

As soon as he managed to touch the novel and planned to grab it, another hand touched his with the same intention.

Quickly, he stumbled back and flinched hard, making room between him and the other person. He glanced at the book at the high shelf, seeing the hand that aimed for it quickly retreat. That was when he felt it. The sudden cold stare, hitting him instantly.

Ritsu sheepishly looked towards the other person, the tight feeling in his gut returning. But the sight in front of him took him almost instantly.

The other student was someone he had never seen before. He was taken by the soft, yet cold hazel eyes that had locked with his. Though it was only a couple of seconds, he noticed the soft locks of black hair that drooped down and the pale skin of the other male. Ritsu felt his face flush as he noticed the broad shoulders and the height. He was awestruck.

“Um…”.

The deep voice of the student snapped him back into reality, his cheeks getting even hotter from embarrassment now.

“A-Ah! I’m sorry!”, he apologized before taking a look back at the book on the shelf and then back at the raven haired boy. “You can, um, uh- take the book…”.

And so, the male did. Ritsu saw his hand pluck the novel out from the shelf. A sense of distraught came over him, he looked down. Instead of just walking away however, the book was now put in front of his eyes.

The brunette perked up, looking at the other with his cheeks still a soft pink. The other male held the book towards Ritsu, take a step closer to indicate that he wanted him to take it. Hesitantly, he accepted it before looking back upwards only to see the other leaving.

He could hear his footsteps get quieter but now they were not the focus of his mind. All he could hear now was the rapid pounding of his heart and the lovely feeling he felt in that given moment. His world had gone from a dead grey to a lively pink hue.

 

From that day onward, Ritsu had taken his middle school and high school life into focusing on one person. He had figured out his name was Saga Masamune. Definitely an odd name but Ritsu was not one to judge. Every day, he had dedicated his time to watching him, feeling his pulse go rapid every second.

He had finally gotten an odd sense of satisfaction from staring at the other boy, reading his books, and following him every chance he got. His family life hadn’t gotten any better, An grew increasingly more clingy. If he was the right type, he would have fallen for her a long time ago.

Of course, that would never happen. Ritsu had already realized his purpose. He already realized his source of happiness. He had money, a close friend, reading, and whatever you could think of but nothing gave him this much joy.

Everything about Saga was perfect. Every time he heard him speak, Ritsu’s heart instantly melted yet it felt like his insides were shaking. The way the other male had such a calm expression whenever he read was literal heaven.

Staring at him from behind a bookcase was the closest he’d ever be to him again. It did not matter though. It had to be love.

Why else would he be so addicted to watching him? Why else did his heart go crazy whenever he passed by him in the halls? Why else would he fantasize about doing embarrassing things with him?

It was love.

Obviously hiding it was difficult. Each time Saga walked by him, Ritsu could not look away. His classmates always asked why his face was so red each time but he couldn’t just admit that.

As he stood, staring at the other student, he could not stop his heart from beating. That person was perfect. He was everything.

And the world was a sparkling pink.

* * *

 

Now...everything was a dark black.

Ritsu’s chest was heavy, his head felt like it was on fire. It was a work day yet he could not get out of bed. Masamune had told him to not to move at all but the temptations were significantly strong.

Tears ran down his flushed face. Everything hurted. All he could hear were the muffled yells coming from the next room over, possibly near the front door to his apartment. He could hear his friend Nao arguing.

Nao had always been a dear friend yet it was almost like he didn’t see Ritsu as a person anymore. It definitely hurt but he was the only one he had. Listening to him and the one Ritsu loved so dearly fight was hell.

The brunette slowly shut his eyes, breathing slowly. So much had happened yet it felt like it had gone by in a flash.

Just when he had thought he had gotten his beloved senpai, it immediately crumbled. His mental health had gotten worse. Nao was the one that pulled him out of it yet despite being close, it felt like he was a complete stranger.

The day Ritsu had made it into adulthood, everything felt like ice. He slipped and fell every so often, barely keeping a balance. Everyone was cold to him. His new boss was definitely handsome but to even think this was even his first love was just...out of the question.

He was a completely different person. The once calm and reserved boy had became a short tempered, impulsive tyrant. He was the opposite of what Ritsu had wanted yet he couldn’t resist falling for him again. That broken person was still there.

Only the other day, he had pinned him to the bed and hurt him. He knew he shouldn’t be in love with someone so awful.

He knows Masamune did it on impulse with bad intent.

He knew nothing could ever fix their broken lives.

He knows he should not forgive him at all.

But why did he feel so terrible?

The muffled sounds kept him awake. The rage filled yells were deafening. The clock ticked slowly, only reminding him that it was work time but he couldn’t move.

_God...Why me? What did I do to deserve this?_ As he shut his eyes, a wave of calm covered him. _Is it because I asked for too much? Why is it so dark…?_

A door slammed. There were crashes and bangs. It was so loud yet they were muted.

_It’s so dark...I’m sorry…_ He sucked the cold air through his teeth as the warm tears rushed down his face and onto the pillow beneath him. _I just wanted to be happy! I wanted Takano-san of all people to be proud of me…! I failed everyone...I failed An and Nao. I never made my parents happy and now Takano...He hates me so much. I deserved everything._

He could barely hear the nearing footsteps.

_I don’t have anyone. Why does this happen?!_

“Ritsu”. A familiar warm hand ran it’s fingers against the wet cheeks, wiping off the tears. It was gentle. Somehow it was even comforting but the pain still hit.

_Why did it all crumble? What happened to my life?! Why did it all just fucking crumble?_

His jaw was clenched so tight that his gums hurt. The sides of his mouth twitched as more tears ran down, the gentle touch wiping them still.

_Why don’t I deserve it anymore?_

All of a sudden, Ritsu felt a weight press against his forehead. Two hands were on his face. One wiped away his cries as the other held his cheek ever so gently. Soft lips pressed against him.

It was there for a good while. Everything was completely frozen until the kiss had broke as Masamune pulled away, gently caressing his cheeks.

“Ritsu”, he breathed. The sick one slowly opened his eyes to look at the man, who was completely blurry. The one he loved so dearly was looking at him, a bruise on his cheek. His eyes were noticeably wet.

As much as he wanted to speak, he just couldn’t. His throat was tight. The lump suffocated him. Ritsu breathed slowly, staring at Masamune, who leaned down. He rested his head against the open area beside him, shutting his eyes as he heard the faint heavy breathing of his beloved. There was only thing he could say now though he knew it wouldn’t fix anything.

“Ritsu...I’m so sorry”.

There was a heavy silence.

The only thing that Ritsu could hear now was the clock that ticked. It only reminded him of the time he had spent alive, now living in this very moment.


End file.
